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Monday, May 02, 2005

* hurts.

i found out something that hurt today...and usually ill throw up my defensive mechanism,the one that has been instilled inside me since the start of teen years, the same defensive mechanism that has saved me a lot of hurt, because it sends signals to my brain,messsages such as "Let It Go", or "Dont Think About It"... and usually i heed those messages..

but today it was different..it was a different kind of pain...the defensive mechanism couldnt be put up quickly enough to repel the arrows...or maybe the defense isnt strong enough for this...

with the pain, i also felt anger..intense anger...angry at myself, angry at the party, angry at the situation..so much anger..so much it kinda scared me...i had to calm myself down, so i wrote out a letter...and the effort to get all the words out was so extreme it gave me a severe headache...

im not going to post that letter cause itll just blow up a whole lotta bullshit and god knows this situation has been blown WAY outta porportion as it is...

i found myself asking a load of questions...questions that will never have an answer satisfying enough for either party..."why did it end like this", "why did we do it", "can we do damage control?","can all be forgiven?", "can we look each other in the eye the same way again?"...

sugarcubes says:
u just hav to ride things out
sugarcubes says:
u see everything's quite unpatchable now

sadly, those words may be true... everything could be unpatchable...and i cant do anything about it...because ive done all i can...

can someone please lead me out of this darkness?cause im tired of trying to make him see...
|
|11:10 PM|


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